I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
