You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
