so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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