I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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