I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
