It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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