EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
