If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
