As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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