I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She needs sedatives and a leash
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
