oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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