you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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