Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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