I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
