Only a mothe r could love this liver
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
