Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
