Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
