You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
