I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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