I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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