listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
