Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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