at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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