Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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