She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
