LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
