I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
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if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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