Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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