Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
