I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
