my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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