Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
