as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
