bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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