maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
