I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
