If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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