I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
do nipples grow back?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
