fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
