i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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