My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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