i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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