her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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