I wish my penis had an off switch
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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