I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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