Heybabeimwearingurpanties
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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