I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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