she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I need to stop coming to work sober
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
