this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also, beer. Big fan.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
