I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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