Betty ford says i'm here all night
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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