Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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