Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
