im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
