i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
