I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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